Here's a statement that I made up a while ago.

Itinerary by Craig Hood

Here's another I made up a while ago.

Decapotate by Craig Hood

Here's a statement I made up Maybe 2020ish.

Wind farms by Craig Hood

Having a fair bit of experience playing the drums I am always amazed by drummers who can pretty much concentrate on each limb individually at the same time.

It seems impossible to me as when I try to do a certain thing with my left foot, my left hand wants to do the same thing.

In THIS VIDEO, Rick Dior plays tricky splash hihat rhythms (which I haven't seen any other drummers playing) with ride cymbal and bass drum patterns at the same time.

It's already very hard to play just those three parts together, but then Rick adds accents with the snare drum on the left hand from written music.

This shows that he is capable of playing the other 3 limbs either by not thinking about them (muscle memory on autopilot), or by thinking about all 4 limbs at the same time.

The video is a very good example of what I mean and Rick seems to be able to pick and choose any combination of rhythms on any limbs even doing the accent beats with the bass drum.

And another video from Rick where he plays the clave with his left foot and seems to be able to play absolutely anything else and keep the left foot going.

UPDATE: I got an email reply from Rick after asking how he can play 4 different things with each limb and he said it takes years.

You have to start with maybe 3 limbs playing a repeating pattern eg. Hihat using left foot, right hand on the ride cymbal and the right foot playing the bass drum, then you start by adding one individual snare drum hit with your left hand.

That snare hit could be on beat 3. You then start adding more and more hits with the right hand, maybe beats 3 and 1. Eventually you will be able to play any combination with any limbs, but it will take years.

In the video I linked above titlled "THIS VIDEO" he is doing that same thing, but he starts with the 3 limbs going first, then he plays a constantly changing pattern with his left hand proving that he can play any combination.

Antiono Sanchez does the same thing HERE with his left foot in a video which is also about this subject of doing 4 different things indipendently.

And Louis Cole regularly plays this VERY HARD TO PLAY TECHNIQUE which involves changing between squeezing the stick and allowing the stick to bounce inside your hand while also changing what he is doing with his feet and right hand to keep energy in the song.

All the above are excellent drummers who seem to play effortlessly at the most advanced level.

Here's a statement that I made up Maybe 2020ish.

Rocket science by Craig Hood

Here's a statement that I made up March 2021.

Wind farms by Craig Hood

Here's a statement that I made up in maybe early 2018.

Opinions by Craig Hood

Here's a statement that I made up in maybe 2016.

Duedley by Craig Hood

Here's a statement that I made up early 2016.

Scarborough by Craig Hood

This will not work in some countries eg. In some parts of the USA where Scarborough will be pronounced "Scar-bow-row", but where I am in Scotland both Scarborough and Barbara are pronounced almost indentically.

Here's a statement that I made up around mid 2013, but I only got round to making this in 2014.

Procrastination by Craig Hood

Here's a statement that I use occasionally before playing a song I'm not fully practised up on.

Catastrophe by Craig Hood

Here's a statement that I made up around mid 2011.

Pessimists by Craig Hood

Surely this means that there is no such thing as a true (100%) pessimist.

Any pessimist who declares themselves as 100% pessimist will immediately look very negatively at their 100% commitment.

Here's some funny stuff that's happened to me and other funny things.

(I will add more as I remember them).


When I was about 16, I was at the custom car show with my parents in the National exhibition centre in Birmingham.

I went for a walk about on my own and came to a stall that had a computer on it that you could use. This was at the time when computers were pretty new and there was a crowd of about 10 people standing around one guy who was sitting at the computer.

I walked into a gap in the crowd with a can of coke, took a large mouthful, and choked spitting the lot over the guy and the computer. Everyone looked at me, and the guy looked up at me with a sad look on his face that said "what did you do that for?".

He was soaked, his hair was in a middle parting, but I just stared at the computer screen as if nothing had happened, my face throbbing bright red till everyone looked away, then I slipped off un-noticed with my tail between my legs.


Before I met a past girlfriend, we spoke on the phone for a few days (we were introduced through a mutual friend). Because she didn't have a computer, she asked if I could email some photos of myself to her sister who stayed next door to her.

I sent the only photos I had on my pc, one of me with long hair and a receding hairline, and one of me when I was about 10 years old. She was nipping out to the shops and said she would have a look when she came back.

In the meantime, her sister opened both photos in photoshop and extended my forehead by about 1 inch. My girlfriend came back from the shops all excited and walked in asking "what does he look like then?".

Her sister shrugged her shoulders and said "Well, I suppose it's up to you". My girlfriend decided it would be better just to stay as friends.


(This happened to an old flatmate of mine though it was pretty much my fault).

I had a job going round the doors with catalogues, taking orders, and I eventually talked my flatmate into doing it too.

I had told him about a few ocassions when I was walking up to a door and I noticed the people in the house had seen me coming and decided to ignore me.

I told him when that happened it annoyed me, and so I just kept on ringing the doorbell relentlessly until the people came to the door.

Around his first week in the job this happened to my flatmate. He remembered what I had said and continued to press on the door bell for ages.

After about 1 or 2 minutes the door opened and there was a disabled guy lying on the floor who had just crawled all the way from the living room. The disabled guy was apologising, saying "I'm really sorry I took so long".

My flatmate has probably never felt that bad before or since .


I used to give my supervisor a lift to work. During a dayshift week starting at 6am, I picked him up and he told me this :

He was standing outside his house waiting for me, still half asleep, when a white car like mine pulled up and stopped.

He got in the car and sat there (he never used to say much at that time in the morning).

After a short while he turned round to look at the shocked face of the driver.

Oops, wrong car.


When I was about 35, I was going down one of the slow, long water slides at Edinburgh commonwealth swimming pool.

I came round a corner and saw a teenage guy who had managed to stop himself by holding on to the sides of the slide.

His face dropped when he saw me as he was obviously expecting his friend to come round the corner.

I tried to steer myself to one side of him, and he was trying to lift himself up so I could squeeze past but there wasn't enough room.

I bumped into him and we ended up sliding side by side, sitting upright with our legs touching.

I thought I would be the mature adult about the situation so I turned to him and said "That wasn't very bright, was it?".

He lowered his head and took the telling, then we carried on slowly down the rest of the slide not talking to each other, looking straight ahead with serious faces.

I knew that the end of the slide had a short very steep part that dumps you into the pool at the bottom.

I thought it might be dangerous if both of us entered the pool at the same time, so I managed to get one foot behind his lower back and I pushed him as hard as I could in front of me.


I went to visit a friend that I hadn't seen in a couple of years.

He is a pretty well known guy in the local area and people are always just walking into his flat to see him.

He used to think I was being very polite when I knocked on the door and waited.

Anyway I arrived at his flat and knocked on the door as usual.

I could hear loud talking in the flat but nobody was answering the door, so I knocked again.

Still no answer so, remembering what he said about me being too polite, I walked into the flat.

I entered the living room to see a young couple sitting on their settee with totally shocked faces.

After a stunned pause I said "Is Tam here?", the guy replied "Are you trippin neebur?" which translated from Scottish to English means "Have you been taking hallucinogenic drugs my friend?".

He informed me that Tam had moved out of that flat a long time ago, I made my embarrassed apologies and left.


I spent 14 months traveling in my campervan through France, Spain and Portugal. On my way back to Scotland through France, a bus knocked my wing mirror off.

I stopped at the first scrap yard I found to see if they had a spare mirror. It was a very small scrap yard and they didn't have a mirror.

I asked if it was ok to take photos as there was some interesting old cars and things lying around.

It wasn't till months or even years later that I noticed this.

I took this photo of the yard just before I left.

I zoomed into the top right window and saw what looks like one or two people looking out at me.

I then zoomed into the window next to that one and saw this.

Did you ever get the feeling you are being watched?.


At one of my regular folk club sessions, a woman was telling of a recent operation she had on her eyes to bring back her near sight.

She said it was a new type of surgery and it was very expensive.

So I said .......

"You should have asked if it was cheaper to get your arms made longer, so you could hold things further away".


I've been a David Bowie fan since the 70s so when he passed in 2016 I decided to play nothing but Bowie songs for a full year at every music session/folk club I went to. But, because I play quite a few less known Bowie songs, and I usually don't mention the song title or writer before playing, I still sometimes got asked "Who's song was that?" after I finished.

Early on I would say "I'll give you three guesses", but I then just started making up silly names when people asked. That progressed on to me announcing before every song that "This song was written by", then I would use a silly name. Everyone then expected me to say a silly name so it would end up getting a laugh before I had even said the name.

These are some of the names I used.

"This song was written by...".

Steve Davis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michael Schumacher, Hilda Ogden, your mum, Bamber Gascoine, Leonard Nimoy, Nora Battie, Bjorn Borg, John Macenroe, Keanu Reeves, Worzel Gummidge, Crocodile Dundee, Indiana Jones, Bob Monkhouse, Fleegle from the banana splits.

I would then say "Steve Davis (etc.) is a prolific song writer".

Some more co-written examples. "This song was...".

co-written by Englebert Humperdink and Benedict Cumberbatch, co-written by Kylie Minogue and Vlad the impaler, co-written by Barry Sheene, Gary Lineker and Alexander the great, co-written by Magnus Magnusson, Steven Stevenson, Finlay Finlayson, David Davidson, Peter Peterson, Robert Robertson, Robin Robinson and Rob Robson, co-written by Gloria Hunniford and Laurence of arabia, co-written by Peewee Herman and Bernie the bolt, co-written by Bamber Gascoine, Duncan Bannatyne and Evel Kineivel, co-written by Joe Pasquale and Robert the Bruce, co-written by Giant Haystacks and Kendo Nagasaki, co-written by Zinedine Zidane, Zydrunas Savickas and Zebedee from the magic roundabout, co-written by Peter Papadopoulos, Penelope Pitstop and Professor Pat Pending, co-written by Kate Rusby, Matt Busby, Bing Crosby and Mr Blobby, co-written by Townes Van Zandt, Dick van Dyke and Rip van winkle in San Francisco.

I announced one song as being very controversial saying I wasn't sure if I should play it or not because it was co-written by Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter, Jimmy Saville and Adolf Hitler.

At one session, after playing, a woman said "Was that song really written by Bob Monkhouse?".


At a regular music session (which is almost all acoustic guitarist/singers) a new family turned up with a daughter who played the Clarsach or Celtic harp.

These are smaller than full size harps, but are still quite large and the father was carrying the harp in a large soft carrying case that was not much smaller than him.

So It was a large triangular shaped case carried by a strap over his shoulder which looked a bit like this, but it was pointing downwards so was almost touching the ground.

He hadn't been at the session before so he stopped at the top of the stairs looking around for the best place to sit.

I shouted out...............................Is that a plectrum?


I bought my first ever tent in 2022 to take my KX to motor shows around the country. I was very impressed by my Decathlon 2 seconds easy tent which I can set up in about 30 seconds from taking it out the bag.

I noticed it had a zip in the floor but it wasn't till a few weeks after buying the tent I opened the zip. I was amazed when I lifted the flap to see steps going down to a basement area. I paid for a 2 man tent but you can have 2 in the tent and 2 downstairs.

This is my tent set up in my Mum's garden. The 2nd image shows the zip in the floor and the 3rd is my neice going downstairs.

NOTE : I made up this idea myself and originally came up with the same idea relating to a caravan around the early 2000s. My neice who was around 7 and her younger neighbour were in my caravan and when my neice asked what was in my cupboard I instantly said it was a lift that takes you downstairs.

My neice was old enough to doubt me saying "I don't beleive you" and "You're joking" etc. but after a short while, her younger neighbour said "It is true" with a strong look of certainty on his face. I felt sorry for him with this just being a joke so I explained that it was only a joke and it's impossible to have a downstairs and showed him underneath the caravan.

Another joke idea I came up with around the same time also relating to caravans was an inflatable television. This was at the time of large CRT TVs and monitors so that gives the joke more impact than thin, flat screen TVs.

I'm adding these ideas to my site in May 2022 in case the same thing happens to them as my following two ideas mentioned below.


My renault laguna that I bought 2/8/2000 was the first car I owned that had volume controls for the hifi on the steering wheel.

When I drove my neice to padded play areas and similar I told her my car had a magic radio.

I put my left hand palm facing upwards in front of the hifi and slowly moved it upwards while increasing the volume using the steering wheel buttons with my right hand (which she couldn't see).

I then turned my left hand palm facing downwards and moved it down slowly as I decreased the volume.

She was amazed by this and I told her to try it herself, so she put her hand out and, as she lifted or lowered it, I would adjust the volume (still unnoticed).

From then on, as soon as she got in my car, she would put her arm up in the air and we might drive all the way to our destination with her arm up.

NOTE : One very annoying thing about this is... I did this around the year 2000 with my neice and with a past girfriends daughter who were both around 4 or 5 years old.

But maybe in 2021, Lee Mack described this exact scenario on a TV show (maybe Would I lie to you). So that puts me in a position of it being hard to prove that I came up with this idea first. (escpecially as I'm adding this info to my website in 2022)

There's very little chance that the few people who know me and know that I did this with my neice would, tell Lee Mack or, maybe tell other people and they told other people and eventually Lee Mack found out.

But, on saying that, I do know that Lee Mack used to share a flat with Noel Fielding and, in the next chapter here (13), I mention telling Noel Fielding a funny thing I made up that he actually used.

I can't specifically remember telling Noel about this idea, but I did ask him if he takes ideas for jokes and this is definitely something that I would consider my own unique idea so I could have told him about it and he could have told Lee Mack.

There's more of a chance that I'm not the only person in the world who has thought of this idea, but it was still annoying that he described it exactly the same way I would describe it if I was telling someone.

ANOTHER NOTE (not funny) : The same thing happened relating to another idea I came up with myself also around the year 2000, also concerning my Renault Laguna.

I needed to change the timing belt which I found very daunting and I came up with the idea of cutting the rubber belt in half lengthways with a stanley knife and pulling off the outer half.

This leaves enough room to push the new belt halfway onto all the wheels keeping them in their correct rotation relative to each other. You then cut through the old belt, it falls off, and you push the new belt on fully.

I told maybe just 3 or 4 people about this and they all said "That's a great idea". It also made the job much easier on my Laguna (though it was still tricky with restricted access to the belt), but especially on my Renault trafic campervan which had easy access to the whole belt.

But, as above, maybe roughly around the year 2020, on the TV show "Car sos" one of the guys described this exact technique and even described it as something like "The Polish way".

So, again I was annoyed that I thought of this about 20 years earlier and it's hard to prove that I did, but again I'm not going to be the only person who has came up with that idea as it is a fairly simple idea.

13. Mighty boosh claim to fame.

When I worked in a factory around 2000 there used to be lots of different womans magazines left in the canteen like "Woman's own" or "Woman's weekly" etc.

Through a combination of creative genius and extreme boredom I started a craze.

In one magazine I saw a photo of a typical family with the Dad, Mum, son and daughter all facing the camera with serious faces.

The Dad had a pipe in his mouth and, using a black ballpoint pen, I drew pipes on the Mum, son and daughter.

That eventually progressed onto me drawing a pipe on every single person in every magazine.

My mate Tam who might be on a different shift from me would do final inspection of each magazine and would circle any people I had missed.

Four examples are :

1. The family photo mentioned above.

2. An advert for Alpen cereal which was a full page image of a huge mountain. I drew a tiny stick person standing on top of the mountain and a gigantic pipe coming from his mouth right down to ground level.

The bowl on this pipe was the same height as the mountain.

3. A close up photo of a lion cub's face with a life size pipe drawn in very high detail with cross hatch shading and a red glow in the bowl.

4. A photo of a beach from an aeroplane looking down with loads of people. The people were too small to draw pipes on, but I would draw a tiny wavy line above the head of each person signifying the smoke from a pipe.

So those 4 examples are basically.

1. A whole family smoking pipes.

2. A gigantic pipe.

3. An animal smoking a pipe.

4. Everyone smoking pipes.

Maybe a couple of years later I went to see Noel Fielding at the stand comedy club in Edinburgh during the Fringe festival.

I saw him 3 times at the festival on different years, but after the stand gig I spoke to him for a while giving him compliments as he was my favourite stand up comedian.

At that time they were filming the Mighty Boosh TV series.

I asked him if he takes ideas for jokes and he said they get most of their ideas from other people, so I explained to him the exact same details I have written above including each of the 4 examples.

He was laughing at this a lot.

Between 2004 and 2005 I was in my campervan in the Algarve and I had bought a larger satellite dish specifically so I could receive BBC3 to watch the Mighty boosh.

I was watching one episode and I was shocked when there was lots of pipe references in the episode.

After the show I really was totally stunned by the coincidence of this being my favourite comedy series and my previous pipe drawing phase.

I thought I would have to contact my mate to let him know about this.

It took me a long time, maybe days or even weeks to remember that I had spoken to Noel Fielding and only told him those 4 examples.

So watching the episode again I realised he must have actually taken note of my ideas and had used each of the 4 examples, but in a slightly different way.

1. (A whole family smoking pipes). There's a couple of very brief moments showing a Father and son smoking pipes (I also remember mentioning to Noel that everyone in the family photo had very serious faces) and they look like they have been told to have serious faces.

I also remember when I told him about the father smoking a pipe I made a face and hand gesture almost exactly the same as the father in the left image below. I moved my bottom lip over to the side just like that and I pretended to hold a pipe like that.

I know there is no mother and daughter, but the way the son stands in front of the father was exactly the same as in the magazine.

2. (A gigantic pipe). Dixon Bainbridge appears with a giant pipe on wheels. So my idea of the pipe the size of a mountain couldn't be physically made, but if you think about it, if you had to make a very large pipe it would need something like wheels to be moved around.

3. (An animal smoking a pipe). I might be wrong as I can't find a clip, but I think Bollo smokes a pipe at some point. (If he doesn't then Noel must have used the other 3 examples).

4. (Everyone smoking pipes). There's a scene where Naboo is handing out pipes to everyone on a tray at a party and pretty much everyone in the scene is smoking a pipe.

I remember after I spoke to him at the stand club, he left the club, but came back a few minutes later and gave me 2 Mighty boosh badges (which I still have).

Because he said they get most of their ideas from other people there is probably no chance that he will remember talking to me or will have taken a note of my name or similar so it is hard to prove that this happened.

But quite a few people from that factory would have seen the pipes in the magazines.

I remember one guy who was walking past me sitting at my work computer.

I had autocad open and a few long lines were visible on screen.

He said to me "Is that you drawing pipes again?" I said "Well it's funny you should say that".

I zoomed out on the view to show a pipe design that I was working on for another wacky idea that I progressed onto being the "gird and pipe club" for people who enjoy smoking a pipe whilst out with their gird.

A gird is an old victorian toy for kids.

This is the logo I designed, the company was called Ocli.

I didn't mention the gird part to Noel Fielding, but if I had spoken to him for longer I probably would have.

(I am aware that Julian Barrat smoked a pipe in the "Asylum" series, but the fact that I only mentioned 4 specific examples to Noel Fielding shows that he used those ideas rather than just the idea of smoking a pipe).

14. Gird and pipe club.

As mentioned above, the pipe drawing progressed on to the gird and pipe club.

I found out another guy at the factory actually owned a gird which I thought was very funny. I later sent an official internal email (to just a handful of people including the guy who owned the gird).

It said something like this "It has came to our attention that quite a few Ocli employees enjoy smoking a pipe whilst out with their gird. It is for this reason that we are starting the Ocli gird and pipe club.

We will have regular outings and will be competing in local competitions such as the Townhill downhill race".

I thought about actually making a full magazine (in Photoshop) called Extreme gird and pipe magazine which would be like a bike or car mag having road tests of the latest girds and things like waterproof covers for pipes etc.

Me and my mate Tam came up with a few different ideas like a gird with a low profile rubber wheel similar to a motorcycle tyre. Stainless steel connecting ring and a carbon fibre cleek.

This is the logo I designed for the magazine front cover, I also modelled a full gird in solidworks, but I didn't do much more.

15. Christmas songs.

At music sessions I go to most people around the end of the year will play christmas related songs.

I've never had much desire to learn or play a christmas song so I usually choose one of my normal songs eg. "Stop by anytime" or "Thoughts for a friend" and say "This is not a christmas song, but the title has no L in it".

16. Scottish country and western singer.

A good name for a Scottish country and western singer would be Chuck Staines.

Chuck is a common nickname for someone called Charles and Chuck Staines sounds like a normal American sounding name, but "chuck stanes" in Scottish means to throw stones.

17. Good name for a folk band.

Folk us. I know there is a famous band called focus, but folk us means us folk so would be fitting for a folk band.

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