Here's a statement that I made up early 2016.

Scarborough by Craig Hood

Here's a statement that I made up around mid 2013, but I've only just got round to making this now.

Procrastination by Craig Hood

Here's a statement that I use occasionally before playing a song I'm not fully practised up on.

Catastrophe by Craig Hood

Here's a statement that I made up around mid 2011.

Pessimists by Craig Hood

Surely this means that there is no such thing as a true (100%) pessimist.

Any pessimist who declares themselves as 100% pessimist will immediately look very negatively at their 100% commitment.



Here's some funny stuff that's happened to me.

(I will add more as I remember them).

1.

When I was about 16, I was at the custom car show with my parents in the National exhibition centre in Birmingham.

I went for a walk about on my own and came to a stall that had a computer on it that you could use. This was at the time when computers were pretty new and there was a crowd of about 10 people standing around one guy who was sitting at the computer.

I walked into a gap in the crowd with a can of coke, took a large mouthful, and choked spitting the lot over the guy and the computer. Everyone looked at me, and the guy looked up at me with a sad look on his face that said "what did you do that for?".

He was soaked, his hair was in a middle parting, but I just stared at the computer screen as if nothing had happened, my face throbbing bright red till everyone looked away, then I slipped off un-noticed with my tail between my legs.


2.

Before I met a past girlfriend, we spoke on the phone for a few days (we were introduced through a mutual friend). Because she didn't have a computer, she asked if I could email some photos of myself to her sister who stayed next door to her.

I sent the only photos I had on my pc, one of me with long hair and a receding hairline, and one of me when I was about 10 years old. She was nipping out to the shops and said she would have a look when she came back.

In the meantime, her sister opened both photos in photoshop and extended my forehead by about 1 inch. My girlfriend came back from the shops all excited and walked in asking "what does he look like then?".

Her sister shrugged her shoulders and said "Well, I suppose it's up to you". My girlfriend decided it would be better just to stay as friends.


3.

(This happened to an old flatmate of mine though it was pretty much my fault).

I had a job going round the doors with catalogues, taking orders, and I eventually talked my flatmate into doing it too.

I had told him about a few ocassions when I was walking up to a door and I noticed the people in the house had seen me coming and decided to ignore me.

I told him when that happened it annoyed me, and so I just kept on ringing the doorbell relentlessly until the people came to the door.

Around his first week in the job this happened to my flatmate. He remembered what I had said and continued to press on the door bell for ages.

After about 1 or 2 minutes the door opened and there was a disabled guy lying on the floor who had just crawled all the way from the living room. The disabled guy was apologising, saying "I'm really sorry I took so long".

My flatmate has probably never felt that bad before or since .


4.

I used to give my supervisor a lift to work. During a dayshift week starting at 6am, I picked him up and he told me this :

He was standing outside his house waiting for me, still half asleep, when a white car like mine pulled up and stopped.

He got in the car and sat there (he never used to say much at that time in the morning).

After a short while he turned round to look at the shocked face of the driver.

Oops, wrong car.


5.

When I was about 35, I was going down one of the slow, long water slides at Edinburgh commonwealth swimming pool.

I came round a corner and saw a teenage guy who had managed to stop himself by holding on to the sides of the slide.

His face dropped when he saw me as he was obviously expecting his friend to come round the corner.

I tried to steer myself to one side of him, and he was trying to lift himself up so I could squeeze past but there wasn't enough room.

I bumped into him and we ended up sliding side by side, sitting upright with our legs touching.

I thought I would be the mature adult about the situation so I turned to him and said "That wasn't very bright, was it?".

He lowered his head and took the telling, then we carried on slowly down the rest of the slide not talking to each other, looking straight ahead with serious faces.

I knew that the end of the slide had a short very steep part that dumps you into the pool at the bottom.

I thought it might be dangerous if both of us entered the pool at the same time, so I managed to get one foot behind his lower back and I pushed him as hard as I could in front of me.


6.

I went to visit a friend that I hadn't seen in a couple of years.

He is a pretty well known guy in the local area and people are always just walking into his flat to see him.

He used to think I was being very polite when I knocked on the door and waited.

Anyway I arrived at his flat and knocked on the door as usual.

I could hear loud talking in the flat but nobody was answering the door, so I knocked again.

Still no answer so, remembering what he said about me being too polite, I walked into the flat.

I entered the living room to see a young couple sitting on their settee with totally shocked faces.

After a stunned pause I said "Is Tam here?", the guy replied "Are you trippin neebur?" which translated from Scottish to English means "Have you been taking hallucinogenic drugs my friend?".

He informed me that Tam had moved out of that flat a long time ago, I made my embarrassed apologies and left.



7.

I spent 14 months traveling in my campervan through France, Spain and Portugal. On my way back to Scotland through France, a bus knocked my wing mirror off.

I stopped at the first scrap yard I found to see if they had a spare mirror. It was a very small scrap yard and they didn't have a mirror.

I asked if it was ok to take photos as there was some interesting old cars and things lying around.

It wasn't till months or even years later that I noticed this.


I took this photo of the yard just before I left.



I zoomed into the top right window and saw what looks like one or two people looking out at me.



I then zoomed into the window next to that one and saw this.

Did you ever get the feeling you are being watched?.


8.

At one of my regular folk club sessions, a woman was telling of a recent operation she had on her eyes to bring back her near sight.

She said it was a new type of surgery and it was very expensive.

So I said .......

"You should have asked if it was cheaper to get your arms made longer, so you could hold things further away".



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